Fight for Light
All white. The world looks like sleeping in peace today. It seems a lie to me, but I can not resist, I lean in … in the calm of this moment. It is like nature is taking another breath, giving space to something …. and I step in, take some of it and breathe. Walking step by step on all this whiteness, I listen to Marlene Dietrich’s song ‚Where have all the Flowers gone‘ and tears run over my cheeks (second time today). Where have they gone?
This song is out of a different time, speaks about soldiers going into war … a different war. A war that I only got to know through telling and reading. The song seems like a message from the past, I know that my grandmother was hearing this song when she was young - many years ago. This morning in a virtual meeting, I heard Anna - a Russian woman - singing it. We met from all over the globe -working on outer war and inner war/peace. It was touching to hear this old familiar (German) song in Russian language and it created a deep peaceful connection between us - a short quantum flirt, a glimpse into a different world.
Anna had spoken before about her fear to get mad. She explained, how her surrounding was supporting Putin in his dictatorship, believing in the official stories, leaning in, and/or not wanting to see a different truth. In her ‚resistance‘ , she and her family were not only marginalized, but in concrete real danger. She wondered how her life could ever get back into normal again. Listening and feeling her, made run tears over my cheeks sitting in front of the vividly filled zoom screen. I saw so much beauty in her desperation, so much strength in her vulnaribility …. and I said to her : "Please do not get back into normal, it needs some of your madness to create a NEW normal, a different world. don't give up!"
I am not Russian, but I strongly related to her pain. I started to scan in my memories where this came from. What in Anna was relating to my stories? Sure, there is the memory of dictatorship still woven in the German collective. But there is still more, there were times in my past, I was overpowered by someone’s story and stepping out of the ‚gaslighted’ reality was a tough process. I had doubted my truth and I also feared to get mad. Slightly altered by the release of pain of this deep and old wound, the image of a snowdrop came into my mind .... and how this tender flower is making its way through the cold. And yes, I mean that’s Anna and That’s me … it is a fight for Light/Truth/spring.
Last year a friend listening to me, suddenly said to me: “You are ‚a real rebel‘.“ I asked him: “How do you know?“ He said: “You would rather leave all comfort behind than compromising on your (deep) Truth."
yes, he was right.
somehow.
And yet there are these moments, where I lean in the peaceful white snow landscape and instead of fighting for life, I die and I merge into the silence … at least for a little moment.
what is about you? Do you know this too?
This story touched me deeply when you told it, Steph ... Partially for sure because I know Anna too ... Partially also because I personally know how transformative anger can be ... and yet how dangerous it can also be for me while being angry and for the world around me. I reconnect to a group process in Paris where we touched the topic of revolution - in France and also in other parts of the world like Ukraine. Also being sad about the pain, death and destruction it also causes. I wish there was another way to stand in for our own values. A different one than fighting and being hurt. Writing this I realize there is one ... on the far end of the horizon. It seems as if space places need to show up. Like arenas where these inner revolutions can be fought out in a safe space. And then the engineer says: Yeah, let‘s just do it.